At Lirum Larum Leg, we are genuinely dedicated to assisting parents so that they can easily and clearly create inspiring settings where play becomes a source of hygge, fun, presence, and immersion.
That’s why we are delighted to collaborate with experts, Fie Hørby and Mie Kaae from Blackbird Institute, to provide you with weekly tips and inspiration for life with children. Below, Mie offers concrete advice on how you can easily create peaceful moments at the dinner table for the benefit of the whole family.
The Good Meal
Sit down. Sit still now. Be quiet when we eat. Take it easy, you’ll get your turn. Stop arguing at the table. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Just taste it before you say you don't like it. Why can’t you sit still for just a moment? Eat one more potato. If you don’t finish your food, no dessert. What’s it called when you leave the table?
This is how it can sound when the negative tone is in full swing at the dinner table. But don’t despair. We all know it. Fortunately, from experience, I also know that parents are wise, so instead of doing more of what doesn’t work, try something different.
Tell your child what you want instead of what you don’t want. For example, say: “I would like you to use your knife and fork”. And remember, how you say it is just as important as the words themselves. So, speak as you would to a good friend.
Say, for example: “I’d like you to take a little at a time on your plate. If you can eat more, you can always go for seconds”. Communicate what you want to your child and then let them practice for the next 10 meals without correction. Rome wasn’t built in a day, either.
Once you’ve done this, here’s the best advice we’ve given to hundreds of parents:
Tip #5: Let everyone eat in peace
Try for the next 14 days to allow everyone at the table to eat in peace. Without being corrected or criticized. Adults as well as children. This creates calm, well-being, joy, a better atmosphere, and closer contact. Everything good that we often want more of and long for—both adults and children alike.
The root of many dining table issues can be found in the initial quotes.
During a family counseling session where a family came to discuss meal times, their 4-year-old girl said: "It would be easier to eat if we all closed our eyes". This, translated, could mean: “I am here to eat. Not to be corrected, criticized, and pressured to eat more than I want.”
Children, like their parents, are smart and often point right to the issue. Therefore, it can be advantageous to also ask our children how they envision the shared meal. Not necessarily because it should be that way, but because their wishes can tell us what might be missing or what they would like more of.
What is a good meal for you?
Every family is different. For some, it's important that children thank for their meal. For others, it's more important that children sit calmly and eat nicely. There are no universal laws when it comes to your family. But it’s good to consider what is important and less important for you.
During these 14 days, it might be an idea to discuss with your partner how you want your meals to be. What atmosphere do you desire? And if that’s the atmosphere you wish for, what should the setting be? Should children finish their meal? Should they taste something before refusing it? Should they thank for their meal? Clear the table? Set the table?
In other words, review your meal and find your values so you don’t automatically just repeat those you grew up with, but find those that align with who you are.
Bon appétit!
- By Mie Kaae, March 3, 2018
Blackbird Institute is a family therapy institute offering education in relational competence, family counseling, and family therapy. The institute was founded by Fie Hørby and Mie Kaae.
Fie Hørby is a psycho- and family therapist and mother to Rumle, 16 years, Liv, 11 years, and Isak, 1 year. She has written the bestseller “Drop Opdragelsen!” and the book “Om teenagere – for forældre”.
Mie Kaae holds a master's in psychology and communication, is the author of "Hvad vil du virkelig?" and trained in dance and body therapy. Mie is also a mother to three - Marvin, 12 years, Linus, 10 years, and Havanna, 2 years.
Learn more about Blackbird Institute here
